not going to focus on the best, but on the journey

You know I'd fail. I'd fail all the time. & there's a pretty good example right now, which I confessed, has made me really shattered at heart. I mean, who wouldn't? Okay, so for Mid Years, I did really really badly.. I swore when I got my results I tried so hard not to cry and instead, I comforted myself, saying, "hey, God is my strength. my Father knows what He's doing. chill pill, Shirls".
Am I really such a failure? And then I recall. Nah, I was just being lazy, and I really had to buck up since it is my final year in Regent. Really, FINAL.

I know you people, have this perception that we Christians are so holy and so clean and that we can take in any kinds of tasks that God gives. But hey, we are Christ followers, we are not Christ Himself. We are weak in flesh and that is why we NEED Him. We are humans, we make horrible mistakes, we'd also wish for life to be over soon so that we can enjoy the luxuries in Heaven. BUT, face it. we are on earth, and God has a Plan. I know He has a Plan but I sometimes don't get Him. I don't get You, Lord. Why do I feel this hatred and this fired down feel. I am trying so hard to commit myself and yet I feel so..so ew. No matter what, man, I am gonna stick to You to You and YOU.

So, I heard that mother tongue O LEVELS is in 10 days. wow, how short that is!!!! After this posting, I am heading back to my room to mug my ass off for the paper. I really can't disappoint people anymore. I just can't do it. my parents have so much hope on me, and I am still trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me. Sometimes God is so mysterious. and I really want to feel the peace again.

I really want to cry sometimes. I want to scream and shout and just..stone away. But hey I gotta remind myself I have responsibilities I have a God who trusts me. I used to think in church, I gotta be the best I gotta be the best in school at home. I always focus on the DESTINATION instead of the JOURNEY.

I am not going to focus on the best, but on the journey. No more, man, no more. I am free from all this shit. I keep comparing myself and asking stupid questions like WHY IS SHE BETTER? that's not what God wants. He wants me to love myself. I am about to walk on this journey to find this worth in myself. That's right. In Shirley.